This is a post that I wrote for the amazing Lynne Kenney
The first sentence you say to me tells me all I need to know!
After having spent 17 years working in this field, I came to a startling conclusion the other day. That conclusion? The first sentence you say to me about your child will determine if your situation is going to get any better. After coaching hundreds of parents and answering e-mails from thousands, I have got really good at telling instantly if their situation is easily solvable or if it is so systemic that it will take years of counselling to put right. How can you be so fickle, you may say? Experience is my answer.
That first sentence you say to me allows me to determine
• Your mindset
• If you want help or a magic wand
• If you take responsibility for your part
• and most importantly if I want to and can help you.
First lines that show there is hope
• My son is such a good kid but lately……
• I know inside he is hurting but…..
• We really want the best for her but she just seems to…..
• I am not sure what happened but……
All these lines show me that the parents sees this situation as temporary, not the fault of the child and is willing to do what it takes to turn a bad situation around. They still care and love their children and clearly do not see their child as broken or in need of fixing, they just want to make the situation better. These parents, with the right support can, in about 3 months turn a situation around, allowing the relationship with their child to blossom.
First lines that made me sigh
• My son has got ADHD
• My daughter is such a……
• My child is just so horrid!
• I just wish he would behave!
These lines tell me that the parent regards the problem as belonging to the child, something that the child needs to be cured from, something in which the parent has no part to play. These parents never appear to get the problem fixed and generally, will go around blaming their child for the rest of their life. It is not that there is no hope, there always is, it is just that the parents need to realise that they are part of the problem.
Why do I tell you this?
So you can measure your relationship with your child today. If you were writing an e-mail to me right now, what would be the first sentence? What does that tell you about how you see your child, how you view them? What does it tell you about the predominant thought you have of your child? If you could change that first sentence into an empowering one, what would it be?
- Just shifting from a disempowering mindset to an empowering one can transform what is happening in your home.
- Using disempowering words to describe your child or your relationship with them feels permanent, feels out of your control, feels like you have no hope … what a way to parent!
- Using empowering words to describe your child or relationship with them has a temporary feel, takes responsibility for your part in it and always believe things can change.
So let’s change some of those disempowering lines you are saying to yourself and start to say empowering lines that can transform your situation.
Are you up for playing? Having trouble flipping your sentence around? Just send them to me and let’s see what we can do sarah@sarahnewton.com.
